Bus was shaking like a washing machine with a brick in it and I'm trying to get this succubus to not dump me. That's the game. Two little cupid things pop up, one on each shoulder, singing at me. Actual singing. Not like, good singing, but it's there, a whole song about how you don't always have to fuck her hard. Sometimes she needs more than just a rude, hot fuck. The lyrics are stupid but they stick in your head, you know? I was humming it at the ticket machine.

The animation is janky as hell, like someone learned Flash last week and said fuck it, let's make a porn lesson. The succubus chick looks perpetually annoyed, which, fair. The cupids are these tiny demon cherubs with voices that crack. It's supposed to be funny and it is, but in that way where you're not sure if they meant it to be this awkward. The whole thing is a music video basically, a really horny, unpolished one. You just watch and listen to this instructional song about not being a selfish prick in bed. Foreplay tips from hellspawn.

Soundtrack is the whole point, right? The song is catchy in a brain-rot way. Voice acting is... enthusiastic. One cupid sounds like he's been smoking since birth. The other is trying to be sweet but keeps giggling. It's a mess. A charming mess? I dunno. I wanted a quick wank on the commute and got a sex ed musical from the underworld. Didn't even get to the good stuff, just a song about touching her hair first or some shit. The game forgets it's a game halfway through and just becomes a weird AMV. My stop came too fast. I was left with blue balls and a tune about emotional intimacy. What the fuck.

I don't know what I expected from a game called Cupid's Arrow Simulator but it wasn't this. The whole thing is basically a shooting gallery where you're this floating bow, and you just click on people walking by. Left side of screen, right side, doesn't matter. The blonde girl in the red dress keeps walking past and every time I hit her she does this little surprised jump. Her skirt flies up. I spent maybe twenty minutes just trying to time it perfectly so I could see her panties again. That's the game. That's literally it.

The animals are where it gets weird. You can shoot a dog. A cat. Some kind of bird that I think is supposed to be a dove but looks more like a seagull with a thyroid problem. When you hit the animals they make this sound that's halfway between a squeak and something else entirely. I kept shooting the cat. I don't know why. The cat just keeps walking, completely unfazed, and I'm sitting there clicking like an idiot. My neighbor's cat used to stare at me through the window while I was changing. Same energy.

The graphics are deliberately shit. Like someone drew everything in MS Paint while drunk and then said yeah, that's good enough. The blonde's face is just two dots and a line. The hearts that pop out when you hit someone look like they were copy-pasted from a 1998 Geocities page. But here's the thing. I opened this game three days ago and I keep going back. Not because it's good. Because there's something about the jank that makes the whole thing feel dirtier than it should. Like finding a nudie mag in the woods when you're twelve. The pages are stuck together and half the pictures are faded but that somehow makes it better. This game is that magazine. I wish the blonde would react differently after the tenth arrow. She won't. She never does. But I keep shooting anyway.