The audio. You kind of forget about it after a while because your brain just goes straight to, wait, is that Brooklyn Chase doing the whole shy librarian thing? The mismatch is nuts. I was stuck on this stupid fetch quest for Mia Malkova, had to find her lost phone in the common room, and the whole time the background track is just this wet, rhythmic sound like someone stirring mac and cheese. Very specific. My actual apartment has thinner walls than this dorm, I swear I heard my neighbor coughing yesterday through the outlet.

The photos you collect feel like a weird collage. One minute it’s a crystal clear shot of Elsa Jean looking professionally lit, next it’s some grainy selfie that looks like it was pulled from a 2011 Snapchat story. You have to pick these dialogue choices which I mostly just clicked on the horniest option available, and it worked. Sort of. Got a scene where my character’s hand was on someone’s thigh, and the text went full purple prose, “the silky smoothness of her forbidden fruit,” and I just stared at it. What does that even mean? Squinting at my monitor during a conference call is maybe not the best way to play, but here we are.

I do wish there was a way to just play my own sound pack over the top, cause the built-in moans start looping in a way that reminds me of a broken office chair. Every time you make a choice, there’s this little wet pop. Like a single bubble bursting. If they dropped a DLC that was just an hour of different squelching sounds, I’d probably get it. Which says something. There’s a part where you have to “study” with one of the pornstars, and the game just shows a stock photo of a biology textbook for a solid five seconds before the scene triggers. I snorted my LaCroix.