So I'm arguing with myself again, like a proper rival in some romance subplot, about whether Hermione's tits look right in this game. They're massive, obviously, that's the whole point of these parody things, but sometimes the AI cg makes them sit on her chest like two pale moons that forgot about gravity. Other times, when she leans forward during the library scene, the way the light catches them, I forget to breathe. The game is called Studying With Hermione and it's set during Christmas at Hogwarts, empty corridors, snow outside, and you're already deep in a relationship with her. No build up, no will they won't they, just straight into the established couple thing. Which I thought I'd hate but actually.

The dialogue has these moments where she teases you about some potions essay and her mouth does this little smirk and I'm gone. Completely. Then five minutes later she says something that sounds like it was translated through three different languages and back. The oral sex scene in the prefect's bathroom, don't get me started, the steam effects are genuinely good but her hair clips through her shoulder halfway through and I wanted to throw my phone. Not that I was playing on my phone. I was on my laptop, scrolling through choices that sometimes matter and sometimes don't. There's a branch where Luna Lovegood shows up and I swear the writer had a favorite because her scenes feel more alive, more weirdly specific, like describing the way she tilts her head when she asks about nargles while you're trying to finger Hermione under a desk. Wait, that doesn't happen. I'm mixing up my playthroughs.

The male protagonist is a void, as usual, but at least he has a cock that the game remembers to show during the vaginal sex scenes. Big ass, big tits, the tags don't lie, Hermione's model from behind is something else entirely. I spent too long on the decision about whether to stay in the common room or go to the astronomy tower and honestly neither path felt satisfying but I kept reloading anyway. The romance is there, buried under all the parody references that sometimes land and sometimes feel like someone's first fanfiction from 2007. There's this one moment where she whispers something about being glad you stayed for the holidays and the AI art actually gets her expression right, soft and vulnerable, and I thought, yes, this is why I'm here. Then the next scene her hand has seven fingers.