The loading screen alone. A crudely drawn starship with what looks like a penis welded to the nacelle. I sat there staring at it for a solid minute before I even clicked start. This whole thing feels like someone found a bootleg Star Trek coloring book from 1997 and just ran with it, and honestly? That’s the energy I needed after a long day. You play as 6 of 9, which is already such a stupidly perfect name, and you’re just clicking through these absolutely unhinged scenarios on the ship. Spook is there, but he’s aggressively gay and keeps trying to drag you to his homo deck. I’m not making that up. There’s a literal button for it.

The scene that got me though, the one I kept going back to like an idiot, was the rear rammer machine. Spook straps into this clunky metal contraption that looks like a torture device from a medieval fair, and the animation is so janky it loops like a broken GIF. But the sound effect. Oh god. It’s this wet, rhythmic squelch that’s way too loud, like someone stirring a pot of thick stew. I laughed so hard I had to put my phone down. Then there’s Whora, a black woman who’s clearly just a palette swap of some other character, and her lesbian scene with 6 of 9 is surprisingly tender? Like, the writing suddenly gets almost poetic for two lines before a Klingon walks in and demands a blowjob. The tonal whiplash is severe.

The captain Kurt enema thing I still don’t understand. You just click a button and he bends over and there’s a hose. No buildup. No explanation. The game doesn’t care if you’re ready. The art is genuinely bad, like MS Paint bad, but the faces during the sex scenes have this dead eyed stare that makes everything ten times funnier. I wish there was more to do with the space pussy box, it’s just a one click gag and then it’s over. The doctor scene is fine, pretty standard hentai stuff, but the Kingon scene has this weird moment where the dialogue loops and you can just keep making 6 of 9 say the same line over and over while the animation plays. I did that for way too long. If you’re homophobic this game will probably give you a stroke, which is a feature not a bug.