You know what’s funny about this game. It’s called something like Tentacle Quest or whatever but the real name doesn’t matter because you’ll be too busy laughing at how janky the movement is. Arrow keys. That’s it. No tutorial, no handholding. You’re this little tentacle thing, and your dad, a bigger tentacle monster, literally sends you out to get laid. The whole premise is so stupid it circles back to being genius.

The map is tiny. You see these pixel girls standing around, and you just... slither over. If they’re weaker, you press something and the scene plays. It’s not smooth. The animations look like someone drew them in MS Paint while drunk, but honestly that’s the charm. There’s this one girl near a tree, big boobs obviously because this game doesn’t do subtle, and the tentacle just wraps around everything. The sounds are... I don’t know where they got them. Wet slaps that clip like crazy. After you finish, you get stronger. That’s the loop. Unlock new girl, repeat. There’s a demon girl later with horns that clip through her own head during the scene. I wish the hitboxes were tighter, sometimes you think you’re lined up and nothing happens, just wiggling against a wall like an idiot.

Oh and the music. There’s this one track that sounds like a MIDI file of a funeral march. It never changes. I started humming it at work, which is a problem. The monster designs get weirder too, like the dad shows up sometimes just to... watch? I think? The screen just flashes and he’s there, no explanation. Reminds me of those old flash games on Newgrounds where you’d click through and hope your browser didn’t crash. This one hasn’t crashed yet, but the framerate tanks when two tentacles are on screen. Still, for what it is, a browser thing you find at 1am, it delivers exactly what it promises. No more, no less. Just a horny little monster on a mission.