The blonde folds on a pair of jacks. Again. She’s got this nervous habit of tapping her cards against the table when she’s bluffing, and I’ve been milking it for three rounds now. The brunette, though, she’s a stone wall. Won’t give you shit. I’m sitting there with a flush and she’s still raising like she’s got the nuts, and honestly half the time she does.

This poker strip thing is janky as hell. The real model photos are clearly from some early 2000s photoshoot, all soft focus and bad lighting, but that’s kind of the charm? Like finding a dusty Playboy in your uncle’s garage. The schoolgirl uniforms are ridiculous. The blonde’s skirt is already gone by round two if you play aggressive, and the way the game just cuts to a static image of her standing there in her bra with this blank expression, it’s so unpolished it loops back around to being funny.

The stand by button is the whole game. You can lock in your score whenever you want, but the girls keep drawing until the fifth round. So you’re sitting there with two pair, feeling smug, and then the brunette pulls a straight on the last card and suddenly you’re the one putting your shirt back on. Which, by the way, you never see. Your character doesn’t exist. You just lose a layer of some invisible dignity.

I wish the AI was smarter. The blonde folds way too easy and the brunette never bluffs when she should. But whatever. It’s a browser game from a bygone era. You’re not here for the poker. You’re here to see if the blonde’s bra matches her panties. It doesn’t. That bugged me more than it should.