Simon, right? Total dweeb. New kid, glasses probably held together with tape, the whole tragic package. It’s Halloween and he’s getting chased by the usual pack of dickheads, so he does the only logical thing and bolts into the creepy abandoned mansion on the hill. You know, the one that makes the local jocks piss themselves. He thinks he’s so smart finding a hiding spot. Honey, no. The real residents are about to give his V-card a monster mash.

The opening scene is actually perfect at setting the bar low and then tripping over it in the best way. The art is deliberately janky, like a Newgrounds flashback that got left in the sun, and the dialogue is pure cheese. Simon’s inner monologue is all “oh no, my bullies” and I’m just sitting there like, shut up and turn the corner, I know a big titty monster is waiting. And oh, she is waiting. A towering blonde with an ass that could eclipse the moon and a rack that defies both physics and good taste. She’s a monster hunter, apparently, which is a wild career choice for someone dressed in three strategically placed belts. The first time she pins Simon down for a “ritual,” the animation is so stiff it circles back around to being hypnotic. It’s like watching two action figures get mashed together by a very horny child.

The whole thing is a camp masterpiece of bad decisions. The cumshot effect looks like someone sneezed on the screen while editing a PowerPoint. I spent a solid minute trying to figure out if a background pumpkin was a save point or just a weirdly rendered blob. It’s a blob. The sound design is basically just one stock “spooky wind” loop and a wet slap noise that gets way too much mileage. But then the monster hunter starts talking about “harvesting his essence” with a completely straight face, and I lost it. It’s that perfect Halloween vibe, not scary, just a bunch of horny nonsense in a haunted house where the biggest danger is chafing from a poorly textured costume. Simon’s a nerd, she’s a monster, they’re both idiots, and the whole thing is a glorious, sticky mess that I can’t even pretend to dislike.