The billiard table felt is this sickly green, like something growing in a basement, and the balls click together with a sound that's just slightly off. Not wrong, just... not right. You know when you're half asleep and sounds get that underwater quality? Like that. The whole thing runs in browser, obviously, and my trackpad was not having it. Kept overshooting the damn cue ball. There's this weird lag sometimes, like the physics engine is thinking about something else entirely.

Two girls in lingerie stand on either side, blonde and brunette, and they're supposed to be your "supporting team" or whatever. The premise is you're playing some kind of simultaneous billiards, which I still don't fully understand the rules of. You both shoot at the same time? Sometimes my ball would just vanish and reappear somewhere else. The girls start stripping when you sink shots, but the animation is this jerky stop motion thing that honestly makes it more unsettling than sexy. Real models though, actual photographs mapped onto these mannequin bodies that move like they're underwater. The brunette's eyes follow the cue ball in a way that made me close the tab once.

Scored three balls in a row and the blonde's bra came off but the texture stretched weird across her chest, like the image was fighting the 3D model underneath. I couldn't stop staring at it. The whole thing has this uncanny valley quality that I think is accidental but works if you're into that sort of thing. You know what I mean? That feeling when something's trying to be erotic but ends up somewhere else entirely. Somewhere stranger. The arcade elements are there I guess, points and levels and a progress bar that fills up with this viscous purple color. But the billiards itself, the actual game part, feels like an afterthought. The balls don't roll so much as glide, and sometimes they clip right through each other. No collision detection at all. Just two spheres occupying the same space for a moment before the game remembers physics exist.

There's a third level where both girls are topless and the billiard table starts reflecting this impossible light source from somewhere below. I don't know if that was intentional or my graphics card having a seizure. Either way, I kept playing.