Iggy. That’s the name. Sounds like a pet lizard or maybe a sound you make when you stub your toe, but no, it’s a space traveler from Mars. And she lands right on your dick. Sorry, your heart. Same thing in these games. The whole setup is so stupid I love it. She’s this cute, confused Martian girl with big eyes and even bigger... ambitions. The art style is that deliberately messy, almost sketchy 2D look, like someone drew it on a napkin during a boring meeting but somehow made it hot. You’re just some dude, the male protagonist obviously, and she’s crashing at your place. There’s this one scene where you’re showing her a sex toy, a vibrator, and she treats it like some sacred alien artifact. The voice acting, if you can call it that, is just these little gasps and giggles. It’s not polished. It’s perfect.

The oral sex bit caught me off guard. Not because it’s graphic, which it is, but because of how she tilts her head. Like a puppy who doesn’t get why you’re putting that in her mouth but is very willing to learn. The whole thing is a parody of Overwatch, right? You got your D.Va types, your Mercy types, but Iggy is her own thing. A prelude to the main Haremwatch build, they say. I played it on my phone browser while pretending to take a shit. The controls are just clicking, nothing fancy. You click to advance her confused dialogue about Earth customs. You click to watch her fumble with a dildo. You click to see her big ass, and I mean big, bounce during a handjob scene that makes no anatomical sense. Her spine must be made of rubber. I wish there was more Pharah. There’s never enough Pharah.

But this Juno character, who’s that? She’s mentioned in the tags but I must have missed her. Maybe I clicked too fast. The vaginal sex scene is the payoff and it’s... fine. The animation loops are short, the sound effects are like someone slapping a wet towel. Yet I replayed it three times. The humor is what gets you. Ana Amari shows up for a second? Or maybe I hallucinated that. The dialogue is full of these awful puns about space and docking. It’s a dating sim where the date is already over and you’re just cleaning up the mess. The sci-fi element is just a thin coat of paint over a very sticky floor. I don’t know why I keep coming back to these things. The romance is about as deep as a puddle but Iggy’s little smile when she figures out what a handjob is... that’s the genuine game value. Not the tits, which are huge. Not the parody elements, which are lazy. That one smile. It’s going to be a problem when the full game drops and I have to explain my browser history to no one but myself.