Right, so the whole thing is a bar. Not a real bar, obviously, but one of those digital ones where the lighting is always a bit off and the women, they just sort of wander. They crawl too, which is a choice. Your job, and it’s a very specific job, is to be a sharp shooter. But not with bullets. With, you know, the other thing. The game calls it sperm. You aim a big cartoon cock, which is the entire interface really, and you try to hit these moving ladies. A direct hit gets you points. A miss just splats on the floor. The arcade shooter tag is not lying, it’s exactly like one of those old light gun games at a carnival, if the carnival was run by a very horny programmer with a folder of “real model” photos.

The models are called “col” in the tags, which I think means Colombian, and they do have that look. It’s a strange mix of a stock photo and a target practice dummy. The “fun” part is supposed to be the aiming, I guess. The physics of the shot are weirdly floaty, like you’re firing a water balloon instead of, well, you know. I spent a good minute just trying to lead a crawling woman, calculating the arc, and I felt like a degenerate artillery officer. The big points come from a clean hit, and then there’s a little cumshot effect, which is the whole payoff. It’s very direct. No story, no dialogue, just a bar, some wandering ladies, and your high score.

I wish the bar had more going on. Maybe a pool table. Or a jukebox that played something other than the loop of silence in my head. The whole thing feels like a prototype for a joke that was never finished. The core loop is there, but it’s so bare. You aim, you shoot, you get a number. It’s a game that knows exactly what it is, which is a digital spunk cannon, and it doesn’t pretend to be anything else. The big cock on screen is, frankly, a bit of an eyesore, but I suppose that’s the point. Or maybe the point is what you’re shooting from it. I’ve already forgotten what I was talking about. The crawling animation is actually the most impressive part, it’s surprisingly smooth for something so deliberately unpolished. It’s a weird thing to compliment, but here we are.