The whole thing is a jpeg of a vagina. Not a drawing, not a render. A photo. And you get four multiple choice answers underneath, like some deranged medical exam. Is this a shaved pussy, a hairy one, a young one, an old one. I clicked "hairy" on the first one and a big red X popped up with a buzzer sound that made me jump. The correct answer was "bald." My gay score went up by 12 points.

I don't know what I expected from a game literally called Pussy Test VIP but the humor lands somewhere between a 2000s flash game and a dare at a bachelor party that nobody actually wanted. The "VIP" in the title just means the photos are slightly higher resolution, which honestly makes it worse. You can see every pore, every follicle. There's a score tracker in the corner that judges your "homo percentage" and I found myself getting genuinely annoyed when I misidentified a close-up of what turned out to be a labia piercing. I thought it was a skin tag. The game thought I was 34% gay for that one.

The real model tag is doing heavy lifting here. These are not professional glamour shots. The lighting is bad in half of them, like someone's bathroom at 1 AM with the flash on. One photo has a visible cat hair stuck to the inner thigh and I spent way too long staring at it instead of answering the question. The test structure makes no sense either. Sometimes it asks about breast size from a cropped image that barely shows anything. What does that have to do with pussy expertise? The whole premise falls apart if you think about it for more than three seconds but you're not supposed to think. You're supposed to click and feel vaguely ashamed.

There's a moment where you get a streak of five correct answers and a little crown icon appears next to your score. I felt proud. Then immediately got the next one wrong because the photo was so zoomed in it could have been an armpit. The game called me a "confused bisexual" and I closed the tab. Not because I was offended but because I needed to check if my webcam was somehow on. It wasn't. But the paranoia says something about the experience, doesn't it.