Oh honey, 1360 England and we're playing as Gregory, a royal ostler with a fiancee so smoking hot that every swinging dick in the castle wants a piece of Geraldine. The plot is basically medieval cockblock simulator. And the visuals? Let's just say this 3d is deliberately unpolished in that special way where a character's tits might clip through her wimple during a serious cutscene about honor and I screamed.

The quests have you running around this castle doing... honestly I forgot what because I spent twenty minutes just making Gregory walk into a wall to see if his tunic would glitch. It did. The royal court is rendered with all the grace of a potato someone glued googly eyes onto, but there's something campy about watching your blocky fiancee bat her eyelashes while three knights try to out-monk each other for her affection. Wait, MONK. There's a secret word mechanic and I just spoiled it. Whatever. The monks in this game are not holy men, let me tell you. One of them cornered Geraldine in the stables and the voice acting, if you can call it that, sounded like someone moaning into a tin can. I lived.

The medieval setting means everyone talks like they're at a Renaissance faire after three meads, and the sex scenes arrive with all the subtlety of a trebuchet. Gregory's face during the deed? Haunting. Like a melted candle trying to remember what lust feels like. But that's the charm, isn't it? The whole thing feels like someone's first Blender project escaped and started humping the furniture. The emotional arc went from confusion to hysterical laughter to genuine concern for my browser history.